Void
by xApologizexmex
Summary: Lisbon is now working for the NYPD. She and Jane broke up when a thing which was never meant to happen happened, but when Lisbon's team got a new case and Abbott's team in Austin too, they have to face each other again. What to do when their love is despite their brokenness still there? Painful memories are coming up. Is set whereas/after season 7. Rated T yet. x
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Not mine.

A/N: This is my new fanfiction, yaay. The basic idea has been in my head for a while, but the title of this fic and the real idea of how this could work I had when I read this quote three days ago (yas, indirectly it means I started writing this 3 days ago.)

"How many times are you going to listen to that song?" –"Until the void in my heart is filled."

This very first chapter has nothing to do with a song but I'm planning one. It may be a lil confusing in the beginning, but if you stay with me I hope everything will be more clear in later chapters. It's rated a strong T, you'll see it's needed. Maybe not in this chapter but in laters for sure.

I hope you enjoy, although I have to say only most of the flashbacks will be fluffy, the rest will be... well you'll see.

* * *

><p>Void<p>

„_Turn the light off. Jane please, just do it." She shouted. Her hand lay on her stomach, rubbing it gently. Her belly cramped again, this time harder. She groaned in pain. "I have to go to the toilet." _

_Shakily she pulled the bed sheets away and tried to stand up. _

"_What's going on?" He stood up too, trying to help her but she flinched away. Now that it was gloomy in the room again, he could only see her shape. She was very unsteady but she knew their home well. She searched for support on their furniture and as he grabbed her at her waist again she allowed it. His heat which spread through her was kind of soothing. While she gasped he could feel her under belly cramping. The toilet was not far away but it seemed like an entirety until they reached it stumbling. _

_She pulled her slip and pants away and sat down. The cramps were harder now and she could feel liquid running down her bare legs. Cursing she tried to maintain her composure. This was never meant to happen. It would bring them apart, she could feel it. _

_Sitting there she felt more clots coming out. Without seeing it she knew it was blood. _

"_What's happening?" He asked again. Her eyes were shut for a brief moment, trying to think but the knot in her neck was too big. She couldn't swallow it down and actually she didn't need to think. She knew what this was. Nothing could be done now. It was too late. _

_Clearing her throat she searched for his eyes in the darkness hoping he would understand._

"_I'm having a miscarriage."_

* * *

><p>Two years later<p>

Lisbon went out of the New York Police Department with only one wish; she wanted to grab herself a taxi. It was already late and she was really exhausted, today had been an awful day. Like every other day since. She knew driving would be no good idea tonight. The old taxi driver drove her without any questions to her favorite bar and as soon as she was inside she set down on 'her' table. Letting her head fall into her hands she sighed. _Do not cry. Do not. Not here._ Lisbon swallowed hard and ordered a glass of liquor. The warmth which filled her immediately was welcome. Drinking was these days the only thing which made her feel alive.

Then she ordered another one. And another.

She knew it would be even worse in her apartment so she sat there for an entirety. Her apartment would be cold and empty and she couldn't face it yet.

Another.

Soon the emptiness in her own heart was filled. Drinking always gave her this feeling and she waited downright for these evenings after work. Today had been one of these days. A new case had come in and studying the related files she had the feeling she needed to cry. Crying was a thing she did often it was like a new habit. There was no one cheering her up like… earlier. She was with the NYPD since more than a year but they kept work and free time strictly separated. And being the boss again helped nothing to have a short talk with one of her co-workers about her own life. Mostly she sat in her little office doing paperwork and asking herself how it had come this far.

Lisbon hadn't talked to Jane in over a year. Normally she forbade herself to even think about it, but today she just couldn't stop the memories. Today it was exactly two years ago since the thing had happened which had driven them apart. Still, she could not believe it.

Before, the evening before they had went to bed that night everything had felt so used so normal between them, she had been looking forward to the next day. Not knowing that the next day would be truly horrible.

Now thinking about it, she had felt a sharp short pain in her under belly when she had gone to sleep but she hadn't thought about such a possibility. She had had often abdominal pains and every time they had visited the doctor because of that he had told them everything was okay.

It hurt so much to know it was over.

While tears were in her eyes she put the shot glass with a loud bouncing on the table. _Do not cry. _She had to get out of here, now. She threw a few bills on the table and rushed out. Her heart hurt too much although her whole body felt numb. Full of grief.

Once she was outside in the dark and cold silence she could control her emotions a lot better. But again, she couldn't escape the memories.

* * *

><p><em>A few years earlier<em>

_They were together now since a whole year. Being Jane's girlfriend was even better then she'd imagined it to be he was such a gentleman towards her. They had managed the first few awkward months in which no one knew how to deal with jalousie and the need to be perfect. Now they could say it had made them better, it was like they needed each other to be good. _

"_Keep your eyes closed… oh man I should have bought a blindfold for you." Teresa could hear Jane's chuckle and then his snort. His body was pressed from behind against hers and he was holding her hips in the right direction. _

"_Calm down Jane. I wouldn't dare to ruin your surprise you know." She tried to turn around and give him a kiss without knowing where his face was. Of course she failed but Jane grinned, he had such a cute woman. And she was only his._

_Then he stopped her gently he brushed her cheeks which his thumb before telling her to finally open her eyes. She knew what to expect. Jane had asked her if she was ready to move in a house together and she had agreed. Why waiting, she had thought? Her little house had never been his. He'd had his own keys, his own drawers but it had never felt like his home. And it was the same for her with his airstream. Moving together felt like the right solution now. _

_Slowly she opened her eyes expecting a small old house or something but when she did there was so much light flooding into this one room in which they were standing that she gasped. It looked so unbelievably big. And light. The soft yellow and orange tones of the walls looked very dreamy. All in all there was not much furniture. Just a piano and… Jane's convenient couch of the FBI. Why in hell was there his couch? And a piano?_

"_Jane?" Her voice was high and her eyes searched his. _

"_Hehehe." Patrick just chuckled. After a moment he added, "No worries I got a new couch for work. You know I couldn't live without one there." _

"_Patrick… this is beautiful." There were no other words to describe it. The big windows, the dark brown wood floor and doorframe matched perfect. "You said you would look for a little house… but this is definitively not small. This is huge." Chewing on her lower lip she asked. "Can I see more?" _

"_Sure, I'll show you everything. I'm 95% sure that you are going to love it." Jane gestured her to follow him. At first he explained her how big the corridor was and from which wood the stairs were made. Upstairs he put his arms around her waist, guiding her to their shared bedroom. His touch felt like marking. She loved it when he touched her._

_The bedroom was truly beautiful too. "You did this all here?" She had to ask._

"_Oh well, no. Not everything, I had help." _

"_Professional help?"_

_He pulled her closer, kissing her head. "No, I called Wayne and Grace." He knew she would pull away after his words. _

"_The Rigsby's?" Yes, it sounded still strange to call them by Wayne's last name. "Oh my god. Jane how are they? How's Maddy?" _

_Teresa stood a few foot away and looked at him asking. She was wearing a black jeans and a striped blouse, they had come here right after work. She really didn't knew what she did to him she looked so smart in the outfit and he had a few silly ideas of how he could make her want to make out with him here in their hopefully soon home. He sighed; the Rigsby's were more interesting now. _

"_They were great, all three of them. Maddy loves to talk, she isn't a very god help but she can command people as good as you." Lisbon shook her head. _

"_Shut up Jane." But a small grin played on her lips. "Are they going to come to visit us again?" He walked out of the room to show her the rest of the rooms upstairs. _

"_I hope so. They are living quiet near from here…" This was Jane trying to influence her. "Come on, I'll show you the rest." _

_The next few rooms were barely furnished, the bathroom was huge too, walls painted in blue white, but the most interesting thing was that there were many rooms. Jane wouldn't want to have this much guest rooms. So, for what… or for whom were they?_

_Lisbon looked questioning at Jane. "Why so much rooms Jane?" He grinned slightly._

"_For our kids." Despite that she had had a quiet foreboding she couldn't hide her surprise. _

"_You want kids? With me?" Jane came closer and stood next to her on the doorframe of an empty room. _

"_Yes, I do." It was for sure she would want to know more. "Red John is dead, my family too… and there's nothing that could change it. They're gone forever. And living for two years on the island I figured out what I wanted, what I would like to have. The idea of having one or two kids again frightened me, but not so much that I would say, no. No kids. I think after all these years I'm finally ready. I want to have a family again… with you. Because you are mine, okay?" There was a short silence then he added. "Because I love you."_

_Holy shit._

* * *

><p>Controlling her emotions was not a bit better outside. Lisbon supported her hands on the hand trail of a bridge. A sob escaped her lungs and she pressed one hand against her lips. <em>Not here. <em>Her legs were so shaky that she thought they would give in.

She couldn't go back into her apartment. The loneliness would hit her there and then drive her crazy. All she managed was grabbing her cell phone from her jacket pocket while she let herself fall on the ground. Her head hit the stone of the wall behind her.

Lisbon dialed a well-known number and waited. Of course she knew that it was late. That it was rude; but she couldn't help herself. The need to hear a familiar voice was too strong.

"Hello?" A sleepily voice muffled. Lisbon breathed slowly in and out before saying: "Hey Wayne, I'm so sorry for bothering you…" In the background she heard Grace talking to him and a second later she was on the phone.

"Lisbon, I waited for your call. You okay?" This simple last sentence was too much, a heartbreaking sob left her lungs and she almost choked.

"I'm fine. I'm good… I just needed to hear your voice." The traffic was loud and Lisbon wished to not hear it.

"Lisbon… do I need to pick you up?" Grace didn't mind the fact that their removal was through the half country.

The ground was cold under her back and she just hoped it wouldn't cause a cystitis.

"No, no. I just… can we talk for a while?" The sadness in her own voice made Lisbon want to cry more. She didn't want to sound so helpless. Earlier she had been a career woman with a real life.

"Yeah." Then she heard Grace shouting. "Wayne you can go to bed again, don't wait for me… you know I have to talk to the boss." He only said that it was okay and that she should place some sheets above her body. "Talk to me. I'm here."

"How's Maddy?" It was way too long since she had seen her. The little girl was growing so fast. Like her own one could have too.

Grace sighed. "Good, she likes going to the kindergarten a lot."

"That's good, really that's good." Goosebumps rose over her body and she knew she had to stand up before it was too late.

Walking over the bridge she tried to warm herself up a bit by jumping up and down.

"I miss him so much despite everything." Her honesty surprised Van Pelt little, the boss had changed. Her former boss, now she was Teresa, her friend.

"I know."

"Will it ever go away?" Sighing Grace told her that she didn't think so.

* * *

><p><em>The theme kids had been chewed a lot. Lisbon had never seen Jane this serious before. While he saw no problems in having children she was the one who wasn't so sure. They were no longer twenty one. <em>

_Nevertheless they had tried. Not like, come on let's make a baby, but out of passion. Living with Jane in a house made her permanently aroused. Just looking at his naked ass was enough to want to have him not caring if they were up- or downstairs. _

"_You know I can see you Teresa?" Jane said chuckling. He was shoving himself and he could see her in the mirror. She was hiding herself behind the doorframe while she was watching him. Slowly she came into the room. _

"_No." Holy shit, she was only wearing her panties. Nuzzling herself into his neck she looped her arms from behind around his waist. "Leme do it." Teresa reached out her hand and took his razor. "Turn around." Excitement spread through his body, did she wanted to shove him first and then… He couldn't finish his thought because she began to shove him so gently that it was like a soft touch of her own fingers. He moaned. His hands searched her hips and he had to use all his bio-feedback to not letting her feel how much he was aroused from her naked body. _

"_I was almost finished sorry," he told her when she put the razor on the sink. Apparently she was not the littlest bit sorry because as soon as his shaving was out of the way she started to threw him against the wall next to the sink. Her tiny hands were suddenly everywhere and before he knew what was happening she had her hands shoved into the front of his pants. _

_Jane couldn't resist her –not even if he had wanted to. _

_Soon he had the lead and she was lying under him on the floor. His grin was broadly, like every man who had the woman they loved under them lying, moaning for more. More of his touch, his mouth._

* * *

><p>The next morning was horrible. She didn't remember going back to her apartment but somehow she had obviously managed. The sun rays which were spread in her whole bedroom were too light, the time of the day too early. That she had a hangover was obviously. Her head was hurting like mad and she had a hard time to see straight. Nevertheless she had to go to work; the case from yesterday evening was a big one. A big fish, as they called it.<p>

What had she said to Grace in the end? Had she even wished her a good night? _Oh god._ She had to talk to her later, maybe some memories would come up before and she could tell Grace that she was sorry.

Searching her black work clothes she wanted to make herself a chamomile tea but stop abruptly as she remembered that Jane had always made her this kind of tea after she had had vomited during the morning hours when… when she had been pregnant.

Well, then not.

On her ride to the office she held on a coffee-to-go-shop and ordered a cappuccino with extra milk. Somehow she had to manage this day.

Heading into the bullpen she saw a few very smartly dressed men standing next to the co-workers of her team.

"Hey. I'm Detective Lisbon, what's going on?" Being professional was something she could be still.

One of the three men looked at her and in that moment she saw it was Abbott. _Oh shit, no. _For a few seconds she just stared at him. He hadn't changed a bit. Judging by the pain in her heart she recognized that she had missed him.

Before she could say another word Abbott introduced the two other men to Lisbon. "Good to see you Teresa, I hope you're better? These are the Agents Hatton and Conners. As I've already told your co-workers I'm here because of your new case. We have new information which makes this to an FBI case too. I'm hoping for a good cooperation with you."

There was only one thought in her head. Was Jane here too? She didn't even know if was still working for the FBI. Most likely not, because there was nothing holding him there he'd told her in their last talk… afterwards. After _it_. Then, gradually there came some new questions. Did she want to see him? In their last talk he'd made clear that _he_ didn't want to see her that he would never ever could again.

"Have you talked to the Captain about joining us?" She had no interest in telling Abbott how she felt when there was a whole crowd around them.

"Lisbon, do you really think I would just come in here out of fun? This is a serious and important case." He showed her his authorization and she nodded.

"I'm sorry Agents. Please sit down. I need to talk to Abbott for a second. We'll be right back" She gestured at the free chairs and said to her own team, "Give them our files and demand theirs. Do not begin a fight!"

Then Lisbon turned around. Abbott followed her but not without giving Agent Conners and Agent Hatton a warning glare.

In her office she sat down behind her desk. It was a little strange to have the team line as well as Abbott. Lisbon shut her eyes and tried to think. Her head was still hammering like crazy.

"Teresa, you okay?"

She had totally forgotten then Abbott was in the room too. Groaning she opened her eyes and watched him then for a few seconds.

"I'm fine."

_Ask him. _She needed to know if he was here too, she couldn't work with him. If yes, she had to go to the captain and explain but if not then there was actually not a problem. Abbott had been so nice to her after her miscarriage, not pitying her like most of the others.

Agent Abbott sat down on the chair in front of her desk. He waited for her to ask.

"Is he here too?"

He. Him. Her ex-boyfriend. The man she had loved –maybe still loved. Jane.

Abbott looked her right in the eye. "Yes." As he saw the pain rushing over her face he added. "But not because I wanted him to, but because this is a damn meaning full case."

Lisbon moved a few curls from her cheeks behind her ear and said, "This is okay. I just need to go to the captain and tell him to give the case another team." Her smile hurt in her cheeks as she stood up.

She was surprised he was still working for the FBI.

Slowly she went to the door and wanted to go out as Abbott grabbed her left arm.

"Teresa…" Her look was hazy from all the tears as she turned around. _Do not cry._

"Yes, Sir?" She needed distance right now.

Her eyes were filled with unshed tears but as always she tried to be strong. He could only try to think about how horrible it had been, but he couldn't imagine how it had been for her. Losing her little baby and then Jane.

"Jane won't come today. He had to help Cho and Vega with another case, but tomorrow or at the latest the day after tomorrow he'll be here."

She nodded. "I have to go to the bathroom and then to the captain, I'll be back soon. Please join the teams in the meanwhile."

Abbott looked after her as she went to the bathroom in quick steps. He had really hoped it would work with Jane and Lisbon. And so had they.

* * *

><p>"<em>Teresa? What are you doing so long in the bathroom?" <em>

_It was a few months after she's shaved him and they were already late for work. Lisbon had been strange all morning. She hadn't wanted to eat anything and as soon as possible she had locked herself in the bathroom. _

_Jane heard the lock click and saw Teresa looking at him. There were a few tears on her cheeks but she didn't look sad or hurt. She took his hand in hers and went with him to the bathtub, where she sat down on the edge. _

"_You okay? What happened?" _

_She closed her eyes briefly and handed him then an oblong stick. On the stick there were two pink parallel lines and instantly he knew what this was all about. _

"_Teresa… oh my…" The air remained him. He just hugged her and the tears trailed uncontrollably down his cheeks to his jawline. _

"_Patrick… we're having a baby… we… we created a child." Rarely both of them had been so openly about their feelings. Neither going to work nor the time cared they just clung to each other for minutes. _

_When Jane finally pulled away his eyes sparkled with hope. "We need to set an appointment at the doctor… and you need to eat something now. Let's go downstairs and get you something, come on." _

_Lisbon could only nod. He needn't to say he was glad or he was looking forward to his second child, she could see it, feel it. And that made her so incredible happy._

* * *

><p>"Captain, but…" His eyes were expressionless as he looked at her.<p>

"No. Your team will work this case. They already know it and they're the best. You're their boss and I expect you to encourage them, this case is the most important we had in years! This is not only about you. This is about the people out there who are still in danger. You will work this case, have I been clear?" He was playing his sick game with her. 'Do what I tell you or you'll be away from the window before you can blink one time.' When she had started working here she had liked it. She had just wanted to work and forget but now she hated this cold look in his eyes.

Lisbon looked stunned at him then she stood up. "Yes, Sir." She would not risk her job. It was the only thing she had. It was the reason why she did get up at all in the mornings.

Walking out of his office she asked herself how it would be to see him. Would he still wear the vests she had told him once she liked them? How would it be? Did he know it was her case? There were such many questions in her head.

But none of them could satisfy the void in her soul.

She asked herself if she would be able to feel anything.

* * *

><p>This evening she drove directly home. The case had moved out as even bigger and complicated as she had thought. The information the FBI-Agents had had caused a shocked silence. Lisbon felt too bad to even think about drinking, all she needed was her bed. Also, she had to call Grace. The question if Grace knew that Jane would come to New York bothered her more than she would ever admit. Lisbon hadn't prepared herself for seeing Jane again. When she had left Austin and he had stayed she hadn't seen any reason how they could walk into the other ever again.<p>

Oh she had been so wrong. She would never ever escape her past.

First thing home she did was removing her dark clothes and searching her sweatpants and her favorite thick hoodie. Being at home always changes her, not only her look but also her as a human.

Her apartment was small and she knew why. It was so painful to think about the reason how it had come this far. Once she had had a house, a bright and airy one. Now she was sitting on a couch which was even hers in the gloomy light from a desk lamp next to her.

The urge to scream hit her hard but as always she didn't. _Do not._ It wouldn't change anything. It wouldn't bring Jane, the fetus or her home back.

Was Jane still living in their house? Or had he moved out? Did he miss her? She could only answer the last question. No. It was her fault that he was completely broken now, he had told her. He had not understood.

Biting her lip she grabbed her cell phone and called Grace. It wasn't that late so she needn't to worry about waking Maddy.

"Hello?" A dark voice answered the phone.

"Wayne, it's me again. Is Grace there?" _Control yourself._ Her voice was shaking a little but else firm.

"Sure… sure. She's just taking Maddy to sleep." Then he called her and soon her younger friend took the phone into her hand. Lisbon heard Grace giving Wayne a short kiss on the mouth and then she said, "Hey. I wanted to call you too but Maddy and Ben played the whole time and then she hurt her head and she was crying all the time… sorry." Talking to Teresa about kids wasn't the best topic for them.

"No it's fine. I should visit you soon, before your little girl forgets that she has an aunt." She tried to chuckle, but it ended in a sob. "Jeezes I'm so sorry. I always cry when I call."

Sniffling she tried to regain her self-control. "It's okay, I just wish I would be next to you. I hate it that you are so alone." Grace knew she had in New York no one.

"Yesterday… I didn't say anything embarrassing, did I?"

"No, nothing new. Nothing I do not already know." Well, Grace knew every detail. She had been the one holding her hand in the hospital after Jane had left.

"Good… thanks." _Mother of god._ She wanted to hug her so badly.

"Always okay? I wish I could do more." Van Pelt had grown to such a wonderful woman. Mother and wife. There was nothing naïve anymore about her.

In this moment she was sure Grace didn't knew about the case or the fact that Abbott was in the city. She would never withhold that from her.

"Abbott is in town… he is working my case… and," It was hard to say his name, but somehow she managed. "Jane will be there tomorrow too."

She heard Grace almost choking.

"Why haven't you said earlier… Teresa?" Good question, maybe because she was scared? It made everything more real.

"I don't know." Her own breath was loud in her ear.

"What are you going to do?"

"I do not know." Nothing.

"Can I do anything? Should I buy a flight, maybe I could stay…" Grace was interrupted by Lisbon.

"No. I mean he's just my ex. It's over between us. Maybe he runs away when he sees that I'm the boss of the other team…." Her voice trailed off as she thought about what she was saying.

Had Abbott told Jane she was the boss of the other team which they would join, or was this her former boss Supervising Agent Abbott who tried to get them back together? Not that he would ever use a case for that but the occasion was there.

"Teresa? You still here?"

"Yeah, I was just thinking."

The following silence was like closing a book with an open end. Lisbon sat on the couch and starred at the ceiling, she would not stay professional when she would see him again. She just couldn't.

They almost had had a child together. How was she supposed to act like nothing happened? She could not work with him again. Could he? They were both broken, both had had many losses in their life's but the loss of each other because of a miscarriage was too heavy.

"I should uhm go to sleep." Even though she knew sleep wouldn't came to her until the morning hours.

"Okay, but boss… Lisbon, Teresa…"

"I know and I'm really grateful." Her voice sounded so little. "Good night, say Wayne and the kids greetings. I'll come visit you as soon as I can." _I have to get out of this damn city. Out of the loneliness._ It was even harder to be alone again when there had been a man for more than 10 years mostly around. Earlier just as a friend, but what she really missed was his heat in her bed. Inside her. Everywhere actually.

"Okay… sleep well… despite everything."

"You too. Bye."

Then she could finally let go. She missed him that was the truth. Not caring what he had said to her she just wanted the man back with whom she had lived together. Her tiny body shook with sobs when her doorbell rang.

* * *

><p>AN: I know this is a lot to take in. I hope you enjoyed anyway. A review would be very nice, because this is a big story for me.

Next will be up, if you want me to and when I reach the 5.000 words mark.

-A x


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Nothing's mine.

A/N: I apologize so much for not updating earlier. Your reviews were so lovely and kind, I was really moved. It was something I hadn't expected to happen. So, thank you all. x

The hard disk on my laptop just died from one sec to the other, so I think you all know what this means. Everything I've ever done/written/created/build is gone. I've written nearly a whole chapter for Without which is gone now, the most important scene for this story: the scene after the surgery when Jane leaves Lisbon (This scene was really good. I cried while writing it.) too. Well and everything else. All that's left of my stories is here. I have to re-write everything if I want to continue both stories. I really wish I could die right now. I think it could happen that I won't feel like writing for a while, maybe.

Something happier: My very good friend Sorina is helping me writing this story. We're talking a lot about the case (yas, I have one lol and I'll explain it next chapter) and how we could bring Rigspelt and Maddy to NY. (Dankeschön Spatzi:* Laters x)

P.S. So happy I sent her the whole file of chapter two… or else this chapter would be gone now too.

Another thing: This chapter could be,.. well no, is a lil M-rated, but it just had to be. It's just the beginning of what will come. (& I've always wanted to write such a scene.) The flashbacks are fluffy again.

-Sorry for the long author's note. I just felt like telling all of this so you can understand.

Enough now, I hope you enjoy x

* * *

><p>Chapter 2<p>

The doorbell rang again, but Lisbon couldn't stand up. She lay there on the couch, huddled in her hoodie and could not move. Although the sobs had stopped she felt and emptiness rise inside her which made her very fragile. She felt emotionless.

Missing not just somebody was so bad –it was worse than she'd it imagined to be. She'd been independent her whole life, it had been a big step for her to live in a house with a man, with Jane. As soon as she'd been used to it, as she'd started to love it it had been over from one day to the other.

After a few more rings she stood up, her knees shook but it was not that bad. Searching for a hair tie she looked into the mirror, it was obviously she had just cried. Her eyelids were reddened and her pale face had spots, but who cares. The bun which she'd just made was messy too; a few dark curls were falling out of it. She wondered who was in front of the door, she never had visitors. Lisbon moved slowly to the door and opened it, faking a slight smile.

She was not prepared for what she got to see. How could she be?

Jane was standing there, well more leaning against the doorframe. He looked not that bad, his hair was a bit darker and shorter now, but it suited him. It made him even more attractive.

Lisbon gasped for air and she thought her knees would give in, but she stayed strong. _Oh my god, what am I going to do? _She was still holding, no she was clutching the doorknob with one hand for dear life and her knuckles were almost white.

Good for them that they weren't at work.

After almost a minute Jane cleared his throat and said, "Uh good evening… Lisbon. May I…?"

Lisbon finally got the control over her body again and said quietly, "Yeah, sure." She stepped to the side and let him walk in even though she didn't feel very comfortable with the thought that Jane would see her rooms inside. She'd build up a new life here without any one and now suddenly he was here too, walking into her apartment. How was she supposed to react after their last talk?

It was something she hadn't expected to happen. Jane had told her himself that he could never ever see her again, but now he'd rang on her doorbell. He was the one who had made the first step.

Jane looked around in the gloomy living room. He should have known that his disappearance would destroy her. It wasn't messy there, but the wine glasses and the carton of pizza made him realize that this was now her life. Work. Her apartment wasn't important to her.

"How have you been?"

She almost laughed, was this all he had to say? She crossed her arms over her chest trying to act like this was a case. She had to stay professional and distanced of else she would do something very stupid.

"What do you think? My life was just gone within a few days." Her eyes flashed at him. Even though she had missed him badly she couldn't act like she still wanted him. He had treated her like she was nothing to him. Love or even feelings weren't appropriated here. The fluttering in her chest said something else, when his eyes wandered over her small body.

"Yeah, right." He didn't seem angry, he looked sorry.

"Jane, what the hell are you doing here in the middle of the night?" Obviously he knew that they had a case together and had decided to visit her before work. But why? In their last talk he'd sounded final.

She noticed that he looked away from her like in the hospital afterwards. Bitterness rose in her throat, it had just been a little baby. The miscarriage had been a few days before her twelfth week; she hadn't had a big belly. There had just been a very little, but nevertheless recognizable bump in front of her.

* * *

><p><em>Jane had insisted to make as soon as possible an appointment at the doctor. He wanted to make sure that she was really pregnant before looking forward to it too much. Lisbon thought nearly the same and so they had taken off an afternoon to go to an ultrasound. Of course, they hadn't said that it was one, but said they needed time to do a few important things. Abbott who thought the two would do something funny together had allowed them to go; he had no reason, no case to hold them there. <em>

"_Jane…" He and Lisbon were on their way into the hospital and something in her mind told her to talk to him, ask him if everything would be okay –both ways. _

_He faced her, looking at her asking. "What's going on Teresa, what's bothering you?" _

"_If… if I am not pregnant, if the test was wrong you will be okay with it, won't you?" Her voice was some kind of simple; they were always honest with each other. Quickly both had learned that their relationship would only work if they could say what they needed, in every way. They had made a deal, no more lies and hidings at work and Lisbon had just demanded one rule for home. Honesty._

_Jane was kind of surprised about that question, but he could see it bothered her. Whereas a few talks about kids she'd told him that she wasn't so sure if she could carry a child, still. Lisbon had talked about her age, but he'd understood. Told her that it was okay if they wouldn't have any kids. _

"_I will be." The door of the hospital opened automatically._

"_And if I am?" _

"_Then I will be too. Look, we talked about it. It will be hard, but I can manage. I am ready. The worst part will come when the baby is born, when I have to worry if he or she is okay, but I have now nine months to become friends with the thought." She had honestly never thought that he would want kids again. The time on the island had been good for him. It was actually good too that he'd not stayed; both had needed time to think and became clear of what they wanted. And now, they were ready. They were really lucky. _

"_Good." Lisbon smiled at him. _

_On the reception they told an older nurse that they had an ultrasound appointment with Doctor Moore and she asked them a few questions before describing the way to the waiting room._

"_You won't have to wait too long, just another five minutes." Then she turned to her computer again._

_Doctor Moore was a nice old man with white hair, maybe a little bit too effervescent for Lisbon. He'd done the ultrasound very quickly. With a knowing glare he instantly saw that there was a little human being inside her. _

"_Congratulations to you both, the pregnancy test was correct. You're having a child." _

_Lisbon looked concerned at Jane, but he was smiling broadly at Doctor Moore, both celebratimg the announcement. Her heart was pounding wildly in her chest as the news settled down, but it was not a scary pounding but an excited one. She'd never thought that she would become a mother of a baby with Jane. With Jane. She closed her eyes and smirked. _

_After a few more moments she asked the Doctor if everything was okay with the fetus. As he said that everything looked normal, Jane asked in which pregnancy week she was. _

"_I would say fifth week, very early. At the next appointment I can say the exact week and birth date. Let's wait another four to six weeks." They both nodded, Lisbon knew Jane was thinking about the day fifth weeks ago and how they'd created it. She felt a little blushing on her cheeks. _

"_Thank you so much Doctor Moore." _

"_You know, if there're any problems, you aren't that young anymore I hope there won't be, but if there any please come to the emergency room anytime." The old man gave them a short smile and wished them good luck and went out. _

_A young assistant help her cleaning her belly and asked them for a new date._

_When they were finally walking outside Jane stopped Lisbon at her waist and gave her a long lingering kiss. Normally she avoided public expressions of love but this was something special. She kissed him back, burying her hands in his curls. _

* * *

><p>Then something happened which Teresa had not expected. She saw his pants tighten.<p>

Her breath hitched. The bulge grew stronger and stronger in front of him while he was staring at the ground. _Holy shit._

He opened his arms and looked up into her eyes. His gaze was broken, but the blue of his eyes managed to show her that there was still a little life inside of him.

"Come here."

"No. Why should I?"

He made a few steps towards her. "Just come here." She flinched, to her own surprise she recognized that it wasn't because of him, but because of her fear closeness. When he made another step and tried to catch her into his embrace she went further back.

He hadn't wanted to hold her in the hospital, why would he want to do it now? No one had hugged her since she'd been moved to New York. Her back hit the wall.

Within seconds he was with her. Jane looped his arms around her and she could feel his hardness against her stomach.

"Jane, go away!" She didn't want to be hold him anymore at least she thought that. Her heartbeat was faster now and she went hot within seconds. His body stayed where it was. She would lie if she said she didn't want that still, but she knew if he'd stay where he was she would start to cry again. And crying in front of him was no option. Not anymore.

Jane's hand found her back and at first he just caressed her, enjoying her small back against his long fingers but after a while he couldn't help himself and he undid the clasp of her bra through her shirt.

"Stop it, no. Damn it Jane!" _I cannot_.

"Why?" His hand moved under her hoodie, always making sure he didn't touch her belly. He moaned when he felt her soft skin.

Had he seriously asked that? There were so so many reasons why they couldn't, shouldn't do that, but feeling his bulge and the surprising coldness of his fingers against her skin were too much to resist him. Even though she knew she wouldn't survive this without exposing her broken inner core she began to touch him. This was his way to comfort her finally and she took the chance, not knowing why she did this actually.

At first she just laid her hand on his chest and played with the buttons of his shirt, but when he began to rip off her pants she forgot that she really shouldn't do this. They needed this. The urge was too present to suppress it. This wasn't them making love then, it was letting their feelings take the control over their bodies.

Jane had never been like this, they had had sex often enough to know who to drive the other one crazy but they'd always been gentle. They weren't these kinds of people. So why in hell felt this so good?

Lisbon stepped out of her sweat pants and in the meanwhile tried to unbutton his jacket and shirt. His smell after cologne and himself was so wonderful the same than earlier she automatically closed her eyes and suppressed upcoming memories.

"Jane… we'll regret it."

"Maybe, but you won't stop me, will you?"

He was right; they were already far behind the point where they could stop. Lisbon was bare from the waist down and his jacket and shirt were gone. Her panties and his clothes lay next to her feet.

"No." When he kissed her neck she had a hard time to think straight. "Why? Why Jane, you said you could never see me again…" Her voice was rough.

"I know, but I was wrong. I was very wrong. We need to because we're still in love." While she blushed and asked herself if it was that obvious for everybody or just for Jane he talked further: "And I don't want to do this at work tomorrow."

"Jane…"

"Shush, just shut up now!"

After that they didn't talk anymore.

He opened his belt and let his slacks and panties fall down, then he hocked her up. Her cry which broke the gloomy silence around them became a moan. She wrapped her legs around his waist and a second later he thrust into her. He filled her completely; it was like drinking alcohol or listening to music. There was not the littlest bit void between them and it felt so good. He felt so good. Her anger was completely gone now and instead filled with desire.

* * *

><p><em>It was a shiny Sunday afternoon and Jane and Lisbon had managed to invite the little Rigsby family to their home. It was always a little hard to find a date where both couples of them had an afternoon off. It was nice to see how big Maddy had grown and Maddy was happy to see her aunt Reesa too. Jane always teased her afterwards with the nickname; it was so funny to see Lisbon blushing. A few years ago no one had thought that they would manage the Red John case that well. Everyone had hoped that Jane and Lisbon would finally admit their feelings towards each other but no one had believed in it. The least one had been Teresa herself. Now they were sitting there together in the 'Jisbon home' as Wayne used to call their house, he was married to Grace and their child sitting on Lisbon's lap. Wayne was grinning. <em>

"_You're such a cute one." Lisbon kissed the toddlers head and smiled at Jane who was talking to Rigsby. He gave her a knowing glare and smirked. Oh yes, he knew what Teresa was thinking. "Does anybody want another cup of coffee or a piece of cake?" When Rigsby nodded, how could it be otherwise, Teresa gave him quickly his daughter and went into the kitchen._

_She hadn't threw up once since she knew that she was pregnant and was very confident to not get morning sickness, but Patrick had laughed about her as she'd told him. He'd said wait and see which had made her beat him on the arm. _

"_So… what was the glare about?" Teresa turned jerking around and saw Van Pelt standing in front of the doorframe._

"_Mother of god…" She looked down and said quietly, "I don't know what you're talking about Grace." _

_Patrick and she had decided to not tell everybody instantly about the pregnancy because there could still so many things go wrong and they wanted to avoid attention._

_Van Pelt and she had never been extremely close and it was still strange to talk to her younger ex-agent about personal stuff._

_The red headed one came closer, "The secret look you both had."_

_Lisbon had turned to the chocolate cake again and was cutting it now. "You know, Patrick always has his secrets." _

"_Lisbon." Grace laughed, "I was your agent. I know when you're hiding something. I don't want to be specious but I thought, now that we're living quiet near each other and you're not my boss anymore that we could be something like… friends?" _

"_Friends? I uh… Grace, I'm not one of these people. I usually don't have friendships." But the thought of having a younger friend who had already been pregnant and knew many things about it was nice. _

_Grace was giving her a plate but said nothing about it. "You know what, you're right. It's just not so easy for me to be so open now."_

"_But you are now. Look, you are telling me that you can't and in that moment you are open. It's okay. I don't have many friends either."_

"_Okay." Lisbon smiled slightly, it was weird to have such a talk with Grace. "I uh Patrick and I, well I'm pregnant but we-" _

_She didn't get to say the rest of the sentence because Grace hugged her. "I'm so happy for you guys." At first it was even stranger to hug Grace but somehow she felt soothing. There was someone who was happy for her. Her left hand caressed Grace's back shortly and then she entwined herself out of the embrace. _

"_Thank you Grace. I- I… you know I'm not as young as you anymore… so there are many risks." She swallowed at the thought of losing her own baby. "Please don't tell anyone yet, we want to wait until I've managed the first trimester." _

"_Of course, it's fine." Van Pelt took the plate with the cake and Lisbon followed her out of the kitchen with a cup of coffee._

* * *

><p>He was still deep inside her; their bodies were melted into one another and for a very long moment they just stared into each other's eyes. The brokenness was unequivocally still there, but there was something else now too. Longing. There was a never ever before so openly seen wanting. Their expressions said more than words would ever say. Lisbon was open-mouth-kissing his soft skin and she used her tongue to taste him too. They hadn't kissed each other on the mouth yet as well as Jane had avoided touching her lower belly.<p>

Then she broke down, a helpless cry rising in her lungs. It was the first time that she was having sex since two years; the last time had been with Jane in the middle of the night in their bed when she'd been pregnant.

Finally, she was feeling something. She stopped kissing his upper arms and shoulders and began to loudly sob against his flesh. Most likely it was because of her precious high from which she was now slowly coming down. She was realizing what just had happened. The tears dropped on his skin. It hit her now fully; they'd never had the chance to process their loss of a baby together. Jane let her sob; he was holding her damp body against the wall and tried to calm her down. He realized that this was something he should have done in the hospital that day.

"Y-you left me. You left me alone." She almost choked.

Now he couldn't hold himself too and before he could break down he searched all his strength together and started a fast but erratic rhythm. He couldn't deny that she looked breathtaking with this loosely bun and the dark curls falling out of it. She'd become even smaller he just hoped he wouldn't hurt her.

The high from which she'd just come down was reached within seconds again.

Each time Jane let their bodies melt into each other he pushed her up against the wall which triggered always a scream from her.

They should have tried to get through this together but he hadn't found the power to do it. The only thing he had wanted was to push her away, to not let her see his brokenness by telling her that it was all her fault. Jane didn't even know anything about her life here.

For a while her cries and his helpless growl was the only thing which was heard in the room.

He hadn't planned that. To come to her apartment and then first thing doing there was taking her against the wall in her living room. He'd meant to comfort her a little before they would have an uproar at work.

His thrusts were harder now he wasn't holding anything back, they both wanted to come again, to forget everything for a moment. It was such an intense feeling. As she thought she couldn't take his hard thrusts any longer he searched for one of her breasts and took them into his mouth. She screamed even more, she was exploding. Her emotions were overloaded.

Then they felt over the edge. A second time.

* * *

><p><em>Jane kissed her lovingly, a sweet tender kiss on her mouth, but as soon as he continued unlocking the door he knew that this wouldn't be enough. He'd to do more to make her soft again.<em>

"_Actually I'm still mad at you." Lisbon said pouting even though she loved this way of redressing. _

_Well, she had every right to be. He'd done one of his stupid tricks with one of the murders again, but this time it hadn't gone as well as he'd hoped. The man had almost shot him. When Abbott and Lisbon had entered the little room after a long search to just find out where he'd gone he'd lain on the ground, crutched like a hedgehog. Lisbon had freaked out in the office afterwards. _

"_I should have told you I know, but we'll see how long that lasts." He gave her a sexy glare. _

"_Jane, it's not all about that you haven't told me. It's about responsibility!" They went through the doorframe and Jane lay down the keys. _

"_I'm sorry." She glared at him._

"_Don't be! You just have to watch out better! I thought we had a deal…"_

"_You're right." She rolled her eyes and began to take off her jacket and shoes. _

"_Jane!" _

_It was not what she wanted to hear, she wanted to hear that he would be more carefully next time._

"_Teresa, look, we still have that deal and I promise you, I'll tell you next time… I just hadn't enough time today to do so." When she swallowed and looked down he knew that this was not all about their deal it was much more about the fact that she wasn't alone anymore. She was carrying his child. _

_Jane came closer and took her into his embrace. "I am so sorry Teresa; I'll let the funny games go, though I'll miss them. I'll be more careful from now on." Then he became serious again. "Stand still, don't go." He began to go to his knees and pull her blouse upwards. _

"_Jane… what are you doing now?" _

"_Shush." His long fingers traced above the skin on her belly and suddenly he kissed it. _

_Lisbon jerked in surprise. "Jane?"_

_He continued giving her lower belly wet kisses, his hand moved to hold her hips still. He murmured quietly a few words to her skin and smiled. _

"_I think we should start doing this every evening."_

"_I'm not one of these people you know and we can't see anything, it's too early." Her belly was still flat, she didn't show anything. _

"_Shush… Teresa it's never too early."_

"_It can't hear you." _

_He groaned and stood up. "Teresa, come on. I know you liked it." His smile was broadly, then he kissed her again. _

_Lisbon was surprised that Jane handled everything so easy, she had thought he would be horrified or something, but instead of that he already wanted to kiss her belly and was so proud that he'd be a father again. She assumed when she would begin to show they would have to talk a little more serious about it. _

_After his little action she wasn't really angry with him anymore. His smile was just too sexy. She parted her lips gave his tongue the access to explore._

* * *

><p>After that, it was over. Jane put her down on shaky legs stabilizing her with his arms for a minute before he let her hips go. He searched his clothes and pulled them back on. Jane gave her a short glare and wanted to go out of her apartment but her voice held him back.<p>

"So that's it? You come here, fuck me until I can't see straight and then you just leave, again?" Her voice was low, but the words were harsh, full of pain and anger. The way she said it, he realized that she was not the same person as before. The anger had come with the years. There were a few broken parts inside her too, parts who could never be flicked again.

"I can't stay." She was still trying to breathe normal and bring her pulse back down. "I just wanted to reduce your stress before we're officially going to meet tomorrow." _Arrogant asshole_.

"Thanks for your concern, but I am okay." _Don't act like you do care suddenly._ Jane had just left her, not caring that she was the weaker one after the surgery.

"Sure you are. See you tomorrow." Then Jane left. He just went out of her apartment and she closed her eyes. It was still gloomy in the room, after 11pm already and suddenly she felt too tired to cry. Still naked she went under the shower and tried to clean the mess he'd created.

* * *

><p>AN: Reviews always encourage me to write and update, so please leave one. I'd really appreciate it.

P.S. Lisbon will grow stronger with the time. This was just the beginning of processing their loss TOGETHER. Well, but I have to say when she's stronger I will be evil, sorry. I actually wanted to add the morning after here too, but idk how long it will take to write it so I thought I update this one before everybody forgets it.

I hope I can stick around here soon more often.

-A x


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